In the Shadows of Performance

I’ve made it no secret that my mind can be my own worst enemy. Ever since I was a child I wanted my stream of consciousness to be quiet; I even asked my father of all people if it was something that I could shut off and his answer, to make a short story shorter, was no. So ever since that time, I have had to listen to myself and myself is the goddamn devil sometimes. 


“You’re a fucking failure. Gon head and do something stupid.”

Yeah, it could get brutal. Geniuses* always seem to have a touch of madness.

So while I am on this path of wellness, I want to be kinder to myself. I have been, which is strange. I’ve never really known what it is to really be nice to myself, and while I still go hard on myself sometimes, it’s not as much as it once was. Baby steps.

I think a huge reason for that is because I don’t spend as much free time in certain places anymore.

And if you have a working set of eyes, you already know that one of those places is Facebook.

Oh, how everyone’s manufactured for public consumption ass lives filled me with envy and resentment and my own MPCAL a performance of equal parts psychopathy, drama, cries for help that I thought I needed and boredom all with a dash of fuckery for that extra flavor.

I just can’t go on there as much anymore, because I feel left out, I feel like I can’t keep up, I understand the depths of my flaws- the apathy for things outside myself, the lack of desire to maintain those things that once sustained me- and I would really just rather take stock of all of that at my own pace instead of constantly being paralyzed by the thought of having to actually fake it before you make it. I’ve said it before, I tried living by that mantra, but I’m not very good at faking things (zing!), I have to make it, even though at this current point in time I have no idea what “it” is (and I am fine with that). Anything less would be uncivilized, no Right Guard.

And in the process of not exposing myself to such harm, because that shit is harmful, I don’t care what nobody says, I have been slowly healing. Slowly. It’s not a process you can rush. I will lapse, but I will not get so down on myself that it takes me a few months to recover. Tomorrow is sooner than you think. You always, quite literally, have another day to start off right. Nothing ever has to reach a temporary pause, or end all together. Nothing to feel bad about.

Yeah, staying off of FB full time for a month has changed my entire perception of time. Either that or I have so many other things to distract me.

Maybe the time will come when I unplug from social media all together, although Twitter is flawed, but great as a news resource. I might just keep that one. It doesn’t require that much participation. And my real life isn’t there (a majority of the people I follow are complete strangers and yet I’ve been following some of them for YEARS).

That’s neither here nor there. I don’t feel the burden of competition on my shoulders (thank God). There’s no reason to be competing at this point in time. It’s not a competition. I am who I am and what I am. That is not as flexible as it once was. I emerged from my own mold. That is not up for compromise.

So in the shadows I will remain, turning the light away from my life. I shine brighter in the shadows.





*I wish a nigga would try to refute this. 🙂

Leave a Reply