Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power. – Abraham Lincoln
You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength. – Marcus Aurelius
Anyway, once upon a time, my best friend and I would have conversations, as best friends are prone to do, and we would sometimes talk about power and status. While many of the particulars of those conversations are lost to my memory (due to the passage of time and weed), I remember the discomfort that they made me feel; the idea of having power and wanting it made me squirm and contort my face into a mass of confusion. Power makes me uncomfortable.
Of course, because I have moved ahead a few years and gained some better perspective about myself, I understand now that my discomfort was me actually agreeing with many of the points he was making.
I wanted power. I want power. Let me explain though.
Throughout much of my life, even to this very day I have felt powerless. Powerless in my home life, powerless in my social life, powerless in my professional life. I never said it out loud, but I have and still feel powerless. It explains why I don’t speak up about injustices on my person even though I should, because I believe that people won’t hear me out or give me excuses as to why they cannot do my request. The fear of rejection belies much of my feelings.
For example, my fiance and I were discussing the current route of employment I’m on and how this upcoming weekend I am working back to back to back doubles. Basically my entire weekend will be spent at work in some shape or fashion, from morning to night. Granted, I don’t go out so it’s not like there’s a party or kickback or function or club that I am desperate to get to on those nights, but it would be nice to sit at home and bond and do the stuff I really want to do.
The fiance suggested that I talk to my manager.
The last time I talked to my manager about my schedule, he told me I needed to give him time to adjust it for reasons. So needless to say I am hesitant to talk to him again because I will hear more of his reasons and I don’t want reasons, I want results. So this is pending.
And then also, there’s consequences that I don’t want to deal with if I start demanding things, and for whatever reason, I always imagine those consequences to be violent, thanks corporal punishment.
However, in realizing that I want power, I also realized that I do have power. I have power over myself, over the few things in this world that I can control. I may not be able to control other people or events, but I can control how I respond to them, how I navigate them. It’s a hollow victory, but a victory no matter what.
This also explains why I enjoy things like the X-Men and Animorphs so much. That type of power would definitely be cool to have.
All in all, if I did have the power that I want, what would I do with it? I draw a blank. If my voice was heard, if people did take me seriously, what would I do with it? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll find out one day, and maybe I won’t. I can only utilize the little bit of power I have now to get ahead.
